11

Well sleeping until 11:00 helped with today's liquid diet.  For breakfast I had two premiere protein shakes, mixed with some strawberries blended into a cup of vanilla almond milk.  It tasted pretty good.  My total caloric intake for that was around 360.  Surprising how quickly it adds up.  

I definitely need to drink more water than I have so far today.  

Now we're on our way to the Twilight Camp scouting event.  I hope I don't get too grumbly hungry and I hope, hope there's not too much waking required for this event!  I had squitz right before we left and I triple hope that doesn't happen again!  

The other thing I have to do tonight is wash with the hibiclens solution.  I'm seriously dreading that!  It sounds like it's quite the nasty cleaner - can even cause deafness and blindness if contact is made with eyes/ears.  Freaky! Don't really want that on my skin!  Then again, don't really want a staph infection either... 

Liquid Diet

So tomorrow starts my liquid diet phase of this journey.  I'm really dreading it but know the days will go by quickly, as they always do.  1,000 calories made up of all liquids.  Just doesn't sound fun.

I went over on my calories today by 300.  I feel kind of crappy about that but considering we had M.R.'s birthday party today, it could have been worse.  Also considering I lost 11 lbs this week by adhering to the 1,200 calories each day, I let it slide a bit today.  I was doing ok but then I kind of freaked out tonight when I realized dinner was the last solid meal I'd be having for quite a while.  I ate extra chicken, cherries, yogurt, along with my frozen dinner meal of chicken fettuccine.  Then tonight I ate my last snack bag of snap pea crisps.  At least they were crunchy...It is what it is and I'm trying to focus on the positives and remember why I decided to do this in the first place but man...


...Literally everything is about to change.  I'm kind of scared.  So many people say "Bring it on!!!" or "I'm so excited!!!"  I wonder if they really feel scared but just aren't saying it or if I'm just a worry wart?  MCL isn't helping much.  His comment last week about, "Can you please bring home all your personal effects on your last day of school in case you don't make it?"  I mean...I know he's scared but wow, what kind of way is that to be thinking?!  And then last night at baseball when we were discussing whether or not I should charge to do pictures for the team, "Oh just do it out of the goodness of your heart and make the world a better place." To which my best friend, BC replied, "I don't work for free, you're gonna have to pay me something."  Then he said, "Oh come on I'm sure you can use some good karma...for next week."  Ughhh I just gave him a look and said, "My karma bank is full thank you very much."  What is it in him that always has to be such a naysayer?  And what is it in me that always has to soak that up like a sponge?


I will say he was very helpful last weekend, when I was initially preparing for my 1,000 calorie days.  He sat down with me and helped me map out my days, even labaled my meals for me and helped me get the most bang for my buck, so to speak.  He CAN be utterly amazing and helpful when he wants to!!!  He can also be Giganticus Difficulticus when he wants to!!!  UGHHHHHHH!!!


No one said this would be easy but my goodness.  Does it have to be this hard?!  It's only food after all.  Why on earth am I letting it affect me so much?!  I am doing this to be healthier.  I am doing this to regain more energy and vitality.  I am doing this so that I can stop sitting on the sidelines of my own life--of my son's childhood.  I am doing this so that I can be in less pain, be able to move more.  I am doing this for me and for us so that we can break free of the inhibitions that I've always had, surrounding my weight.  I want to fit in normal seats without fearing they'll break.  I want to wear smaller sized clothes.  I hope to someday get out of plus sizes but even if I don't do that, I just don't want to be at the tail end of available plus sizes.  I want to ride in a hot air balloon and not fret about the weight limit.  I want to fit in a two person hammock with my husband.  I want to walk more and faster, maybe even run again.  I want to keep up with Charlie better.  Even though I don't like roller coasters, I want to go to Cedar Point so I can ride in one without being told the seatbelt won't fit around my belly.

I WANT TO LIVE AGAIN--AND HOPEFULLY LIVE A LONG AND ENERGETIC, FULFILLING LIFE!

Probably My Last for a While

And it was delicious!  They said not to have "the last supper" mentality and I'm trying!  But man, I will really miss an occasional warm chocolate chip cookie.  I know there may come a day when I will occasionally indulge once again but - for better or worse - it will never really be the same.  I feel mostly happy but also a tiny bit sad about that.  11 days and counting... 

SO Much to Do...

There is this lull...sort of a calm before the storm that happens before any major life event.  I remember it with our wedding and with Charlie's adoption too.  

The knowledge that there are so many things that need to or will need to be done but that it isn't quite time for their actual doing yet.  Up until this week I've really been in the thick of that.  

I started logging food in mfp again - put in my goals as 1,500 calories and also adjusted my macronutrients to more closely resemble what my post-surgery life will be like.  I also bought and started trying to incorporate premiere protein shakes.  So far I like the vanilla best, surprisingly.  I've been trying to make small changes to get myself prepared for all that is to come.  

On some level though, you can never truly be prepared.  You can follow all the guidelines and rules but still not know what the real deal will feel like.  It's odd.  

Tomorrow I go in for my upper GI at St. Joe's.  They put me under for the procedure so I won't even know what happened.  I'm not entirely sure why this is even a pre-surgery requirement.  I guess bc they want to make sure I don't have an ulcer or any other potential blockage or issue that could cause problems for me during surgery.  I'm trying not to be too nervous about it but on some level that's inevitable.  Like Michael said tonight, all I can do is take it one day at a time and do my best as I go.  Logically I know he's right but emotionally I still need to get myself there.  

I went for accupuncture tonight and she said she was "picking up on anxiety" within me after reading my pulses.  This is the 2nd time in a row she's said that so I guess it must be in there.  Anxiety is such a strong word and it's developed quite the stigma over the last few years.  I don't feel any more anxious than normal, except about the surgery and a little bit about money.  ONE DAY AT A TIME!!! 

Talisman

We went to Beezy's for breakfast this morning, a treat for me on Mother's Day.  Michael is not a huge fan of the place but he didn't complain too much.  I enjoyed my breakfast and was thankful for the extra side of toast.
Afterward we went to Riverside Park (aka Frog Island) and walked around a bit.  We looked at the WW1 epitaph and Ypsilanti's original town hall.  We then played a lovely and heartening game of "Pooh Sticks" off the bridge.  The Huron River is quite fast-moving through that area so it was hard to tell for sure who won.  It was a lovely and simple shared activity, exactly the kind of thing I've been yearning for ever since I was sick.

The best part is that as we were standing up ok the bridge, a bright red cardinal flew right across our path.  Since the early days of our adoption journey, cardinals have been my talisman symbol.  I've chosen them to be my sign that my life is on the right path, that things are as they should be.
A few weeks ago I was thinking about how it's been quite a long time since I've seen one of these special birds.  Even when we were staying with my parents and Michael and my mom both saw the one nesting in the entry way of the barn, I never did.  It made me feel kind of sad and it left me wondering if the universe was withholding them from me.
Especially in light of the fact that we've been so unhappy lately - so out of sync, fighting, etc.  Seeing the cardinal today was a very important and needed sign for me.  On we go...

Odd Feelings

I looked in the mirror this morning and thought my hair looked pretty.  It's more wavy than usual this morning because I fell asleep with it in a messy bun last night. 

That led to the thought that I should have some pictures taken of me now, as I am.  As I have been my whole adult life.  Before the big changes happen.  Some pictures I could actually feel proud of.  Then I thought maybe I should have some more curvy/sexy pictures taken to give them to Michael.  

He is losing his big, curvaceous woman through my decision to have WLS. 

Although I have no one who I could/would ask to help me with a project like that.  Except him, which would ruin the surprise.  Hmm, have to think on that some.  

Anyway, all of that ^ made me feel strangely and intensely sad.  Up until now I've felt nothing but good riddance/get lost to the fat woman I have been my whole adult life.  I've sort of hated her for making me so sick and causing me so much pain.  But the feelings I'm experiencing this morning are making me realizee I love her too.  And I will have to learn how to forgive her too, and let the guilt and anger melt away along with the fat.  

All of that ^ led me to the thought that once I do lose weight, I will be/look just like every other "average" woman out there.  Being large has always set me apart from others, many times in very painful ways.  But it's also part of what's made me unique.  It's also how I've defined myself...how I've related to many of the friends I hold dear.  I will have to process and deal with all of that.  

Surgery is coming.  With each passing day it's feeling more and more real.  It is scary and daunting but I also feel largely ready and I think I will feel even more ready when the time is here.  I am choosing to trust the process and try to deal with my feelings as they come.  

It was just such a surprise when my eyes filled up with tears after my mirror talk this morning.  I didn't expect that at all.  It gives me a small glimpse into what/how Michael is probably feeling about it all.  Interesting thoughts to ponder...

Chopped Liver

Feeling a lot like that lately - like I'm just the least of anyone's worries.

MCL told everyone from our scout troop that he and C would be going to resident camp on June 30 this year. Ugh. Had to remind him that's the same day I'm coming home from hospital and he will need to choose another session. Duh. I will need his help. We've talked about the dates, he should have known that will not work.  We've talked about them for more reasons than just my surgery too. 

Sometimes it feels like he doesn't hear or remember anything I say anymore. I honestly THOUGHT he was just in dumb guy mode and wasn't thinking bc he was quite surprised when I was upset about it but then tonight he was a big jerk at dinner and basically completely shut down / wouldn't talk about it all.  HE was mad at me.  I asked him what he wanted from me, was he looking for me to give him a free pass and he said no.  I told him I thought he just needed to communicate with the pack and let them know some family stuff had come up that would change his plans and that I thought he should do that sooner rather than later.  Ugh.  He was just so rude though and again would not communicate with me at all.  I asked him, "Why now, why today, just for fun?" and he basically stormed out of Leo's in a childish fit.  We haven't spoken to each other since.

To be honest though, I'm all out of cares.  I checked my GIVE A CARE box when I got home and as I suspected, it's completely EMPTY!!!

Just grrr though. I don't expect that everything be about me but it seems I'm the only one who's even truly thinking about this surgery and what it's going to be like!! I feel like if he was having surgery in just shy of two months it would at least be on my radar... I would at least listen and try to remember if he told me the dates.  I have to do what I have to do.  He has to do what he has to do.  I sure do hope our two paths can continue to twist and curve together.  I do still love him but at times I feel exhausted of all the same old issues and problems.  I am tired.  Well and truly fucking t.i.r.e.d!

This huge change is coming up sooner rather than later and I think the mental prep is as much or more important with this one. Trying to get myself there! I'll have a 3 hour pre-surgery class on 5/16 which I think will help me fully understand what is and will be required but for now I think it will be full liquid diet from Sunday - Wednesday, surgery on Wednesday, home on Friday. Then new eating plan / progression starts from there with periodic follow ups with surgeon, nutritionist and regular doc. Most ppl lose the majority of what they will lose in the 1st year but everyone is different.
 I'm choosing to think of it as a complete do-over in terms of food and my relationship with it.

With a baby you go from liquids to soft solids to small bites with lots of variety to eventually regular food. So that's how I will be too and I'll focus on me and resetting myself when it comes to food. It won't be easy but I can do it. Plus as weight comes off and I start to feel better, energy will increase and hopefully health stuff will also ease up some too.  Then hopefully motivation and willingness / ability to exercise more will follow?  All I can do is THE NEXT RIGHT THING.  I can learn and work and do my best with each given day.  I can't control the bigger picture or overall what happens to me but I can control my actions and reactions.  That's where I'm choosing to focus my precious and limited energy these days.  Hopefully it will eventually pay off.