Chopped Liver

Feeling a lot like that lately - like I'm just the least of anyone's worries.

MCL told everyone from our scout troop that he and C would be going to resident camp on June 30 this year. Ugh. Had to remind him that's the same day I'm coming home from hospital and he will need to choose another session. Duh. I will need his help. We've talked about the dates, he should have known that will not work.  We've talked about them for more reasons than just my surgery too. 

Sometimes it feels like he doesn't hear or remember anything I say anymore. I honestly THOUGHT he was just in dumb guy mode and wasn't thinking bc he was quite surprised when I was upset about it but then tonight he was a big jerk at dinner and basically completely shut down / wouldn't talk about it all.  HE was mad at me.  I asked him what he wanted from me, was he looking for me to give him a free pass and he said no.  I told him I thought he just needed to communicate with the pack and let them know some family stuff had come up that would change his plans and that I thought he should do that sooner rather than later.  Ugh.  He was just so rude though and again would not communicate with me at all.  I asked him, "Why now, why today, just for fun?" and he basically stormed out of Leo's in a childish fit.  We haven't spoken to each other since.

To be honest though, I'm all out of cares.  I checked my GIVE A CARE box when I got home and as I suspected, it's completely EMPTY!!!

Just grrr though. I don't expect that everything be about me but it seems I'm the only one who's even truly thinking about this surgery and what it's going to be like!! I feel like if he was having surgery in just shy of two months it would at least be on my radar... I would at least listen and try to remember if he told me the dates.  I have to do what I have to do.  He has to do what he has to do.  I sure do hope our two paths can continue to twist and curve together.  I do still love him but at times I feel exhausted of all the same old issues and problems.  I am tired.  Well and truly fucking t.i.r.e.d!

This huge change is coming up sooner rather than later and I think the mental prep is as much or more important with this one. Trying to get myself there! I'll have a 3 hour pre-surgery class on 5/16 which I think will help me fully understand what is and will be required but for now I think it will be full liquid diet from Sunday - Wednesday, surgery on Wednesday, home on Friday. Then new eating plan / progression starts from there with periodic follow ups with surgeon, nutritionist and regular doc. Most ppl lose the majority of what they will lose in the 1st year but everyone is different.
 I'm choosing to think of it as a complete do-over in terms of food and my relationship with it.

With a baby you go from liquids to soft solids to small bites with lots of variety to eventually regular food. So that's how I will be too and I'll focus on me and resetting myself when it comes to food. It won't be easy but I can do it. Plus as weight comes off and I start to feel better, energy will increase and hopefully health stuff will also ease up some too.  Then hopefully motivation and willingness / ability to exercise more will follow?  All I can do is THE NEXT RIGHT THING.  I can learn and work and do my best with each given day.  I can't control the bigger picture or overall what happens to me but I can control my actions and reactions.  That's where I'm choosing to focus my precious and limited energy these days.  Hopefully it will eventually pay off.