Odd Feelings

I looked in the mirror this morning and thought my hair looked pretty.  It's more wavy than usual this morning because I fell asleep with it in a messy bun last night. 

That led to the thought that I should have some pictures taken of me now, as I am.  As I have been my whole adult life.  Before the big changes happen.  Some pictures I could actually feel proud of.  Then I thought maybe I should have some more curvy/sexy pictures taken to give them to Michael.  

He is losing his big, curvaceous woman through my decision to have WLS. 

Although I have no one who I could/would ask to help me with a project like that.  Except him, which would ruin the surprise.  Hmm, have to think on that some.  

Anyway, all of that ^ made me feel strangely and intensely sad.  Up until now I've felt nothing but good riddance/get lost to the fat woman I have been my whole adult life.  I've sort of hated her for making me so sick and causing me so much pain.  But the feelings I'm experiencing this morning are making me realizee I love her too.  And I will have to learn how to forgive her too, and let the guilt and anger melt away along with the fat.  

All of that ^ led me to the thought that once I do lose weight, I will be/look just like every other "average" woman out there.  Being large has always set me apart from others, many times in very painful ways.  But it's also part of what's made me unique.  It's also how I've defined myself...how I've related to many of the friends I hold dear.  I will have to process and deal with all of that.  

Surgery is coming.  With each passing day it's feeling more and more real.  It is scary and daunting but I also feel largely ready and I think I will feel even more ready when the time is here.  I am choosing to trust the process and try to deal with my feelings as they come.  

It was just such a surprise when my eyes filled up with tears after my mirror talk this morning.  I didn't expect that at all.  It gives me a small glimpse into what/how Michael is probably feeling about it all.  Interesting thoughts to ponder...