What's in a Name?

Names are so powerful.  When I was nervous at my gal bladder ultrasound, the technician's name was Holly.  There was tremendous comfort in that for me.  Then when I went for my chest x-ray, the technician's name was Sarah and I also felt comfort at the knowledge of that connection to her. 

It's interesting to me as to why names matter so much. Something about "thank you Sarah" is so much more heartfelt than "thabbd

Fat Hand

So the IV in my left hand became occluded this afternoon. I woke up from a nap with my hand just throbbing.  When I looked down it was about twice it's normal size.  The technician, Kyle turned off the machines but then I had to wait a fair bit for Nurse Susan to come take the IV out and put it in my right hand.  Such a weird thing, I never even knew something like that could happen.  She said it will now take a couple days for the swelling to come back down.  Ugh!  It hurts a lot and is quite tender to the touch.  What would've happened if I hadn't noticed this?  Would my hand have just kept on swelling until it exploded?  I'm tired of being poked and prodded and I'm ready to be home.  I can't wait until all of these needles and wires are OUT of me so I can get a shower and feel like a real person again! 

 

Up and About

I've already been up walking, trying to let this gas move its way up and out.  Or down and out for the lovely sharting effect.  GROSS!

I'm very happy to have my robe here.  Michael and I are affectionately calling it my "+4 robe of adventure."
I'm feeling pretty good, just taking it all a day at a time...

Welcome to the Loser's Bench!

Well it's official, it's done.  The surgery went well.  One of the OR nurses who was waking me up said, "Oh you're going to do extremely well with this, I can see it.  Everyone does well but you're going to just be amazing!"  

Was she just being nice or did she really see something in me?  I hope for the latter.  

So far I don't feel much of anything.  There's a lot of tenderness around the center of my belly where the biggest incisions were.  Feels kind of like a stack of bricks.  I'm told that's the gas but who knows.  

They called two enormous guys to take me up to my room.  It was kind of funny.  I called them Muscles. The whole way up they were razzing each other and being silly.  I almost felt like I was watching an episode of sirens.  

When we got up here Michael still wasn't here. Six or more people had told me by then they would let him know where I was.  I really just wanted to see him.  A lot.  

Then when he did show up it was such a relief.  I started crying right after that.  I had a moment of panic wondering if I'd be able to do all of this.  Feeling scared that this will be just another big failure in my struggle with weight loss.  I certainly hope not and Michael was able to make me feel better but wow, what a wave of emotions! 

So now we just wait.  We are sitting ducks in the pond of life.  But as far as ponds go, this one isn't too bad.  At least there are people bringing me regular pain meds here.  And we have a private shower and toilet.  

Nan came to visit tonight, that was nice.  She brought me a beautiful double walled mug that says, "You make my heart happy" on the side.  It was good to have her here, lots of good conversation and keeping my mind free of boredom.  Mom, Dad & Charlie cane after his game too.  He ran around all the bases and our team won their last game!! Go figure, one of the two games I miss and we win! 

Because I can...

Eating three popsicles and jello for dinner because I can do that.  

Seems a little counter-intuitive to be able to eat this but I guess the key is finding what works.  As long as I'm within my caloric allowance during this liquid diet phase I guess I'm good. 

11

Well sleeping until 11:00 helped with today's liquid diet.  For breakfast I had two premiere protein shakes, mixed with some strawberries blended into a cup of vanilla almond milk.  It tasted pretty good.  My total caloric intake for that was around 360.  Surprising how quickly it adds up.  

I definitely need to drink more water than I have so far today.  

Now we're on our way to the Twilight Camp scouting event.  I hope I don't get too grumbly hungry and I hope, hope there's not too much waking required for this event!  I had squitz right before we left and I triple hope that doesn't happen again!  

The other thing I have to do tonight is wash with the hibiclens solution.  I'm seriously dreading that!  It sounds like it's quite the nasty cleaner - can even cause deafness and blindness if contact is made with eyes/ears.  Freaky! Don't really want that on my skin!  Then again, don't really want a staph infection either... 

Liquid Diet

So tomorrow starts my liquid diet phase of this journey.  I'm really dreading it but know the days will go by quickly, as they always do.  1,000 calories made up of all liquids.  Just doesn't sound fun.

I went over on my calories today by 300.  I feel kind of crappy about that but considering we had M.R.'s birthday party today, it could have been worse.  Also considering I lost 11 lbs this week by adhering to the 1,200 calories each day, I let it slide a bit today.  I was doing ok but then I kind of freaked out tonight when I realized dinner was the last solid meal I'd be having for quite a while.  I ate extra chicken, cherries, yogurt, along with my frozen dinner meal of chicken fettuccine.  Then tonight I ate my last snack bag of snap pea crisps.  At least they were crunchy...It is what it is and I'm trying to focus on the positives and remember why I decided to do this in the first place but man...


...Literally everything is about to change.  I'm kind of scared.  So many people say "Bring it on!!!" or "I'm so excited!!!"  I wonder if they really feel scared but just aren't saying it or if I'm just a worry wart?  MCL isn't helping much.  His comment last week about, "Can you please bring home all your personal effects on your last day of school in case you don't make it?"  I mean...I know he's scared but wow, what kind of way is that to be thinking?!  And then last night at baseball when we were discussing whether or not I should charge to do pictures for the team, "Oh just do it out of the goodness of your heart and make the world a better place." To which my best friend, BC replied, "I don't work for free, you're gonna have to pay me something."  Then he said, "Oh come on I'm sure you can use some good karma...for next week."  Ughhh I just gave him a look and said, "My karma bank is full thank you very much."  What is it in him that always has to be such a naysayer?  And what is it in me that always has to soak that up like a sponge?


I will say he was very helpful last weekend, when I was initially preparing for my 1,000 calorie days.  He sat down with me and helped me map out my days, even labaled my meals for me and helped me get the most bang for my buck, so to speak.  He CAN be utterly amazing and helpful when he wants to!!!  He can also be Giganticus Difficulticus when he wants to!!!  UGHHHHHHH!!!


No one said this would be easy but my goodness.  Does it have to be this hard?!  It's only food after all.  Why on earth am I letting it affect me so much?!  I am doing this to be healthier.  I am doing this to regain more energy and vitality.  I am doing this so that I can stop sitting on the sidelines of my own life--of my son's childhood.  I am doing this so that I can be in less pain, be able to move more.  I am doing this for me and for us so that we can break free of the inhibitions that I've always had, surrounding my weight.  I want to fit in normal seats without fearing they'll break.  I want to wear smaller sized clothes.  I hope to someday get out of plus sizes but even if I don't do that, I just don't want to be at the tail end of available plus sizes.  I want to ride in a hot air balloon and not fret about the weight limit.  I want to fit in a two person hammock with my husband.  I want to walk more and faster, maybe even run again.  I want to keep up with Charlie better.  Even though I don't like roller coasters, I want to go to Cedar Point so I can ride in one without being told the seatbelt won't fit around my belly.

I WANT TO LIVE AGAIN--AND HOPEFULLY LIVE A LONG AND ENERGETIC, FULFILLING LIFE!

Probably My Last for a While

And it was delicious!  They said not to have "the last supper" mentality and I'm trying!  But man, I will really miss an occasional warm chocolate chip cookie.  I know there may come a day when I will occasionally indulge once again but - for better or worse - it will never really be the same.  I feel mostly happy but also a tiny bit sad about that.  11 days and counting...