SO Much to Do...

There is this lull...sort of a calm before the storm that happens before any major life event.  I remember it with our wedding and with Charlie's adoption too.  

The knowledge that there are so many things that need to or will need to be done but that it isn't quite time for their actual doing yet.  Up until this week I've really been in the thick of that.  

I started logging food in mfp again - put in my goals as 1,500 calories and also adjusted my macronutrients to more closely resemble what my post-surgery life will be like.  I also bought and started trying to incorporate premiere protein shakes.  So far I like the vanilla best, surprisingly.  I've been trying to make small changes to get myself prepared for all that is to come.  

On some level though, you can never truly be prepared.  You can follow all the guidelines and rules but still not know what the real deal will feel like.  It's odd.  

Tomorrow I go in for my upper GI at St. Joe's.  They put me under for the procedure so I won't even know what happened.  I'm not entirely sure why this is even a pre-surgery requirement.  I guess bc they want to make sure I don't have an ulcer or any other potential blockage or issue that could cause problems for me during surgery.  I'm trying not to be too nervous about it but on some level that's inevitable.  Like Michael said tonight, all I can do is take it one day at a time and do my best as I go.  Logically I know he's right but emotionally I still need to get myself there.  

I went for accupuncture tonight and she said she was "picking up on anxiety" within me after reading my pulses.  This is the 2nd time in a row she's said that so I guess it must be in there.  Anxiety is such a strong word and it's developed quite the stigma over the last few years.  I don't feel any more anxious than normal, except about the surgery and a little bit about money.  ONE DAY AT A TIME!!! 

Talisman

We went to Beezy's for breakfast this morning, a treat for me on Mother's Day.  Michael is not a huge fan of the place but he didn't complain too much.  I enjoyed my breakfast and was thankful for the extra side of toast.
Afterward we went to Riverside Park (aka Frog Island) and walked around a bit.  We looked at the WW1 epitaph and Ypsilanti's original town hall.  We then played a lovely and heartening game of "Pooh Sticks" off the bridge.  The Huron River is quite fast-moving through that area so it was hard to tell for sure who won.  It was a lovely and simple shared activity, exactly the kind of thing I've been yearning for ever since I was sick.

The best part is that as we were standing up ok the bridge, a bright red cardinal flew right across our path.  Since the early days of our adoption journey, cardinals have been my talisman symbol.  I've chosen them to be my sign that my life is on the right path, that things are as they should be.
A few weeks ago I was thinking about how it's been quite a long time since I've seen one of these special birds.  Even when we were staying with my parents and Michael and my mom both saw the one nesting in the entry way of the barn, I never did.  It made me feel kind of sad and it left me wondering if the universe was withholding them from me.
Especially in light of the fact that we've been so unhappy lately - so out of sync, fighting, etc.  Seeing the cardinal today was a very important and needed sign for me.  On we go...

Odd Feelings

I looked in the mirror this morning and thought my hair looked pretty.  It's more wavy than usual this morning because I fell asleep with it in a messy bun last night. 

That led to the thought that I should have some pictures taken of me now, as I am.  As I have been my whole adult life.  Before the big changes happen.  Some pictures I could actually feel proud of.  Then I thought maybe I should have some more curvy/sexy pictures taken to give them to Michael.  

He is losing his big, curvaceous woman through my decision to have WLS. 

Although I have no one who I could/would ask to help me with a project like that.  Except him, which would ruin the surprise.  Hmm, have to think on that some.  

Anyway, all of that ^ made me feel strangely and intensely sad.  Up until now I've felt nothing but good riddance/get lost to the fat woman I have been my whole adult life.  I've sort of hated her for making me so sick and causing me so much pain.  But the feelings I'm experiencing this morning are making me realizee I love her too.  And I will have to learn how to forgive her too, and let the guilt and anger melt away along with the fat.  

All of that ^ led me to the thought that once I do lose weight, I will be/look just like every other "average" woman out there.  Being large has always set me apart from others, many times in very painful ways.  But it's also part of what's made me unique.  It's also how I've defined myself...how I've related to many of the friends I hold dear.  I will have to process and deal with all of that.  

Surgery is coming.  With each passing day it's feeling more and more real.  It is scary and daunting but I also feel largely ready and I think I will feel even more ready when the time is here.  I am choosing to trust the process and try to deal with my feelings as they come.  

It was just such a surprise when my eyes filled up with tears after my mirror talk this morning.  I didn't expect that at all.  It gives me a small glimpse into what/how Michael is probably feeling about it all.  Interesting thoughts to ponder...

Chopped Liver

Feeling a lot like that lately - like I'm just the least of anyone's worries.

MCL told everyone from our scout troop that he and C would be going to resident camp on June 30 this year. Ugh. Had to remind him that's the same day I'm coming home from hospital and he will need to choose another session. Duh. I will need his help. We've talked about the dates, he should have known that will not work.  We've talked about them for more reasons than just my surgery too. 

Sometimes it feels like he doesn't hear or remember anything I say anymore. I honestly THOUGHT he was just in dumb guy mode and wasn't thinking bc he was quite surprised when I was upset about it but then tonight he was a big jerk at dinner and basically completely shut down / wouldn't talk about it all.  HE was mad at me.  I asked him what he wanted from me, was he looking for me to give him a free pass and he said no.  I told him I thought he just needed to communicate with the pack and let them know some family stuff had come up that would change his plans and that I thought he should do that sooner rather than later.  Ugh.  He was just so rude though and again would not communicate with me at all.  I asked him, "Why now, why today, just for fun?" and he basically stormed out of Leo's in a childish fit.  We haven't spoken to each other since.

To be honest though, I'm all out of cares.  I checked my GIVE A CARE box when I got home and as I suspected, it's completely EMPTY!!!

Just grrr though. I don't expect that everything be about me but it seems I'm the only one who's even truly thinking about this surgery and what it's going to be like!! I feel like if he was having surgery in just shy of two months it would at least be on my radar... I would at least listen and try to remember if he told me the dates.  I have to do what I have to do.  He has to do what he has to do.  I sure do hope our two paths can continue to twist and curve together.  I do still love him but at times I feel exhausted of all the same old issues and problems.  I am tired.  Well and truly fucking t.i.r.e.d!

This huge change is coming up sooner rather than later and I think the mental prep is as much or more important with this one. Trying to get myself there! I'll have a 3 hour pre-surgery class on 5/16 which I think will help me fully understand what is and will be required but for now I think it will be full liquid diet from Sunday - Wednesday, surgery on Wednesday, home on Friday. Then new eating plan / progression starts from there with periodic follow ups with surgeon, nutritionist and regular doc. Most ppl lose the majority of what they will lose in the 1st year but everyone is different.
 I'm choosing to think of it as a complete do-over in terms of food and my relationship with it.

With a baby you go from liquids to soft solids to small bites with lots of variety to eventually regular food. So that's how I will be too and I'll focus on me and resetting myself when it comes to food. It won't be easy but I can do it. Plus as weight comes off and I start to feel better, energy will increase and hopefully health stuff will also ease up some too.  Then hopefully motivation and willingness / ability to exercise more will follow?  All I can do is THE NEXT RIGHT THING.  I can learn and work and do my best with each given day.  I can't control the bigger picture or overall what happens to me but I can control my actions and reactions.  That's where I'm choosing to focus my precious and limited energy these days.  Hopefully it will eventually pay off.