Found Time, Feeling Thankful

Tonight I had an extra couple of hours to myself.  Our normally packed Monday nights typically hold Boy Scouts and karate lessons but tonight Boy Scouts isn’t meeting and hubby took the boy to karate so I could stay home to bathe the dog.  (Still getting to that!) I originally had dinner plans with a friend but she needed to reschedule, which was a bit of a bummer but perfectly ok with me!  

Spring has been in full force these last few days with full sunshine and temps in the 60s.  It’s done wonders for my mood and for my energy level.  Left to my own devices tonight I decided to apply myself outside in the front garden.  This may seem like a mundane task to some but for me, gardening equates to life and fruitfulness.  When I’m in the garden, I’m in "the zone."  

Here’s the thing though, it’s literally been years since I’ve felt well enough to just, on a whim, decide to spend an hour in the garden.  So often if time wasn’t a constraint then my energy or pain level was.  Tonight the old me, the much younger and healthier me, returned. I was outside and an hour passed in what seemed like minutes.  I was pulling and pruning and lifting and walking back-and-forth across the yard to the tune of an extra 1,500 steps on my Fitbit.  

I was bursting with energy and had more to spare.  I felt great!  

Last year I was really sick.  Frighteningly sick.  I almost died.  But even before that, I didn’t have the energy I needed for life.  If time wasn’t a constraint then my lack of energy or high level of pain was.  I don’t even think I realized how unwell I had become.  In retrospect, I knew I didn’t feel well but I guess I just accepted that as status quo.  I just assumed that was how working full time parents felt.  Like being utterly exhausted by the end of the day was normal. Expected.  

Tonight reminded me that it so totally is not.  My energy still ebbs and flows and I still have days when I may not feel my best but overall I have made great strides.  I’ve lost 150 pounds and regained my livelihood.  

Tonight I’m feeling really thankful, for all it. Small imperfect houses, overgrown weedy gardens and mundane tasks included!  I’m not perfect but I am present in my own life and that truly is a gift.  

On Being Noticed

Yesterday was an interesting day.  I think I was finally wearing clothes that are my current true size and it showed.  

Several colleagues commented on my outfit and told me I looked nice.  I stuck my head in to say hi to my boss this morning and she asked if she could take a picture of me. 😯 😁 

Being noticed is so...weird.  I mean I’m a Leo!  I’d be lying if I said some part of me didn’t enjoy the attention.  But it’s also awkward.  I’ve spent years of my life trying to blend in and hide, trying to be part of the fold.  Although I think I hide it well, when people look at my body or my clothes I can’t help but feel slightly uncomfortable.  When they then comment on my body or my clothes those feelings are magnified x 10.  But I also like it, hence feeling awkward.  

Feeling both awkward and exhilarated by the same external stimulus.  Is that even possible?  I guess it is.  

My boss knows where I came from and how significant this journey has been for me. She’s been a solid supporter of me, throughout my catastrophic illness last year and now throughout this WLS path I’m on.  Her noticing and her compliments mean a lot to me.  I’ve learned that you never know where your cheerleaders will come from or who they will be.  Important stuff!  

The next big moment came at the end of the day.  We were at karate with our son and the Grand Master of the karate school whispered to me, "You’re looking pretty thin, what have you been doing?" It wasn’t an appropriate time or place to tell all so I just smiled and said, "Working really hard!" Still though...thin as an adjective used to describe me??? From an extremely athletic and scary-tough karate master???  At the end of a day where compliments had been showered over me like confetti???

Someone pinch me, I must be dreaming!

My Magical Mindset...a Golden Key

So the past two weeks have been a struggle.  I was in an annoyingly stubborn stall, which just happened to coincide with Easter’s offerings of too much food and candy.  Ugh!  I ate a piece of Charlie’s candy for the first time since surgery... Only one mind you but still.  While it didn’t affect me in an immediate sense, I have been more sluggish than normal this whole week and I’m wondering if there’s a connection. 

Sad face.  

However, this post is not meant as a Debbie downer.  Finally on Thursday, my stall broke.  I feel like I’ve been eating SO much lately.  I’ve had several days where my calories climbed up to 1,400.  That was starting to scare me some but I was also legitimately hungry.  I knew this because I first tried water and waiting, I got out of the kitchen and got busy elsewhere and even on the days when I didn’t allow myself that “extra” snack, I woke up absolutely ravenous in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning

Is this hormonal?  Appetite returning?  A natural progression of my body’s healing?  Me returning to or trying to find my natural “set point” for what I need?”  I don’t know!  And it is scary.  I’ve never been in a position with my weight, appetite, etc. where I felt like I could trust my body’s own signals.  This is a very new part of the learning process for me but also one I’m trying to incorporate as I move forward.  

Does that mean if I want pizza I’m just going to go out and have it?  NO!  What it means is that I’m going to ALWAYS have my minimum goals to meet.  Protein intake, water intake, fruits and veggies, variety, minimal processed or fried food, vitamins in, minimum movement goals to achieve.  THEN and only then, if I’m still hungry or if I’m really wanting a certain something, I will allow it.  I will try to trust my body AND my brain.  

Many times in the fitness realm there is this assumption or stigma that fat people are stupid when it comes to nutrition.  In fact quite the opposite is true.  I can always learn more but I’ve become quite an expert over the years of weight loss efforts. I know a ton about healthy eating and balanced nutrition and good fats vs. bad fats and all of it.  I can LOSE weight with the best of them.  

Now my focus needs to be on staying the course and continuing the (sometimes arduous) process of training my brain to “think thin.”  One thing I’ve realized through this journey is that most adult thin people are not that way simply because it comes easily for them.  They are that way because they CONSISTENTLY MAKE CHOICES that enhance and reinforce their body’s natural efforts to operate at an optimal level.  This is a mind blowing epiphany for me.  This is NEW news!  In the past I always had more of the victim mentality:  “I can’t lose weight because I inherited the fat genes.” or “My sister has it easy because she’s naturally thin.”  When I actually started paying attention to my sister’s food choices, I noticed she CONSISTENTLY eats less than all of us.  And she moves more.  And she cooks at home more.  And she exercises more.  And, and, and.  SHE CHOOSES to think and live like a thin person.  It IS a choice!  

This is magical for me because it means I can make that choice too!  Is it easy?  NO!  Will it take time, effort and dedication?  YES!  Will I stumble and make mistakes?  YES!  Can I learn from my mistakes and do better?  YES!  Do I have to be perfect?  NO!  But this “magical mindset” is my golden key!  It’s taken me half a lifetime and a hell of a lot of pain and anguish to figure this out but I am getting there.  I AM doing this!

I CAN do this! Wow.  What an epiphany THAT is! 

Easter Rememberances

These pictures were taken a year apart, one Easter to the next.  I remember putting on that pink dress last year.  I thought I looked pretty.  I was still coming through the worst year of my life, my year of catostrauphic illness.  I remember that brunch with my family but some of the details are fuzzy.  Even though I had already gone back to work by then, my husband tells me I was still “a bit out of it.”  I remember I left my purse at the restaurant and I had to spend the whole next day tracking it down.  

Maybe in a way I did look pretty.  At least I looked alive.  Healthier than I had in months.  But look at me this year.  That looks healthy!  That looks pretty.  

I am FAR from perfect and I am not through with this journey by a long shot but I have come a long way.  This Easter I feel proud of where I am and so incredibly thankful to be here and to be able to “keep on keeping on.”