Not physically funky but emotionally. I've been in a bit of a valley for the past couple of days. Haven't exactly been able to pinpoint the cause of my unrest but it's there none-the-less.
We were at my parent's house tonight for an impromptu dinner to celebrate my mom's birthday. She noticed my funk. I guess moms often have a way of knowing, even when you think you're keeping your cool.
I guess I just feel a bit lonely. Food is such an incredibly social thing in our society. I'm able to eat and join others in enjoying food but it isn't the same anymore. It never will be the same again. I don't think about food much anymore. I think about what I need and I plan ahead for those needs to make sure I'll get enough protein, etc. but that's the extent of it. I no longer flash forward to what I will eat next, when before I used to do that all the time. It's all just strange and a bit surreal. This is a good change and perhaps I have to remind myself of that. It's just sometimes a feeling of disconnectedness from other people.
I have to eat so slowly and so small an amount of food that it's sometimes hard to be social about it. I try to put my fork down between bites and engage people in conversation but that's not always easy. Lately I find myself rushing more than I should because other people eat fast and I don't want to be left there finishing my meal when everyone else is done eating. Dumb.
I need to take care of me but learning to do that and truly put my needs at or near the top of the list is very challenging. Especially when a majority of my waking hours are dedicated to caring for others. Sometimes I just want someone to be looking out for me too. My husband does do that some. He surprised me with a new protein bar to try a few weeks ago and he buys me the special kind of turkey pepperoni I like. He even pretends not to know where I hide it in our fridge so I can eat it slowly over time instead of having it disappear in a day or two if the whole family were eating it.
I guess that's the other thing - family. School has started back up again and I really miss my time at home, time with my son. I truly enjoyed being at home this summer and being able to focus on what we needed: the house wasn't as messy, the dogs weren't being neglected, food and family time were simply easier. This transition back to school and all the activities is really hard. I think perhaps now the novelty of going back and the newness of the year is wasting off and that's more than a little overwhelming. Scouts starts back up again and this is going to be a week!
On that note, my journaling time is over for tonight. I still have to type up lesson plans, finish laundry and try to get enough sleep so that tomorrow won't be too stressful.
Two key things I'm trying to remember throughout this process are to take it all one day at a time...try to accept the inevitable ups and downs of the journey and also to "focus on what's strong instead of what's wrong."
