Jackie Paige

I'm not even sure how I stumbled upon this but it's so cool to know there are others out there who have walked the same path I'm following.  Especially interesting and uplifting to see public figures like Jackie Paige sharing their stories.   

The "E" Word (and some fun with Fitbit)

Yep you guessed it, exercise!  If you're anything like me, this almost feels like a dirty word at times.  It's largely a have to and usually not much of a want to in my world...unless it happens to be a circumstantial sideline to some other fun activity we're doing.  I'm working to change this not-so-great mentality of mine but for now, it's part of my truth.  

That's one reason I asked my family to go in together for my birthday and get me a new Fitbit Charge 2 tracker.  This can be a great way to increase motivation and raise awareness about what you are doing and how you can do better.  In fact, tonight when I realized I was short by about 1,000 steps (despite a rather busy day,) I actually went outside and took a short but brisk walk down the block.  Two weeks ago I would not have had the motivation, energy or interest to do such a thing at 11:45 p.m.     

According to my Fitbit app, today was a great day!  I climbed ten flights of stairs, met my step goal, met my weekly exercise goal, burned more calories than I consumed, walked 2.17 miles and had 48 "active minutes."  Whew!  It seems like a lot but actually I have my goals set at quite attainable levels for my fitness abilities and taking into account the fact that I am still recovering from major surgery.      

 

My step goal is set to 5,000 steps a day for now.  That may seem low to some but it's good for me at the moment.  Part of my story--my struggle--is owning the ugly parts too.  This is one such ugly part:  I have been extremely out of shape and out of touch with the physical needs of my body for quite some time now.  Honestly, I didn't feel good so getting through the days was far more the name of my game than actively pursuing exercise opportunities was.  Walking 5,000 steps a day is a vast improvement over what I have been doing or even what I have been able to do these last months.  After reading this Huffpost article about what science actually says about walking 10,000 steps per day, I decided that is a goal I will work up to over time.  During the school year when I'm at work, I naturally walk and move more than when I'm at home so that's something I'm also going to work on over time.    

The stairs I did today were completely coincidental because we went to a comedy concert at Meadowbrook Amphitheater tonight and there were lots of stairs between us and our seats.  I certainly was a little winded after walking up all those flights but nothing at all like what I would've been like at this time last year--or even a few months ago.  Plus, look at the adorable badge I earned for all my hard work.  Silly but fun and I truly believe that is one key to being able to begin and continue an exercise plan that works, finding something fun.         

 

Important Reminder

Everyone tells you to eat slowly and chew, chew, chew!  There are all kinds of tactics - use baby silverware, eat off small plates, count bites and time how long food is chewed, etc.  Most of the time this is not an issue.  You just kind of get into the habit and it becomes 2nd nature.  

Well tonight at dinner I experienced my 1st real reminder of why we have to eat so slowly. I was both hungry and excited about the dish I made so I forgot to chew enough. I felt it right away and then sat there for the next 15+ minutes trying to breathe and will my food to go DOWN rather than come back up. Luckily I'm ok now and I didn't end up throwing up. 

I definitely don't think I'll be making that mistake again! 

Sleeved 6/28/17, four weeks ago today.

First Stall? (and a picture update)

Well I'm pretty sure this is it--my first stall.  I've heard a lot of people say they hit one at around the three to four week mark but somehow I was hoping I'd be exempt from that.  Sigh.  Still, today marks exactly four weeks for me since I was in the operating room, having one of the most important procedures of my whole life.

 I've done well so far.  I'm down 36 lbs in that time frame, so that's an average of 9 lbs a week.  Stall or no, those numbers help put things into perspective.  I've done a TON of diets in the past.  Some of which have even helped me to lose weight quickly...say around two pounds a week.  This is completely different.

While I sometimes miss certain foods or miss the comfort I formerly derived from food, I'm not hungry and I don't feel deprived.  There is a HUGE mental component to all of this but I can honestly tell myself, "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels" and then actually believe that.  I can honestly tell myself, "I am more important than any food I want to put in my mouth" and then actually believe it.

All of this is one day at a time in the most epic sense of that phrase.  Oftentimes easier said than done!  Of course I know better than to attach myself too firmly to the numbers on the scale.  Still, it is a really nice affirmation when they are going in the right direction:  DOWN!  Since Saturday, mine have stayed exactly the same or fluctuated a tenth of a pound in either direction.  Ugh.  I'm so close to being out of the 340s I can smell it.  I so want to get there, like today!  But the scale is just sitting.  My body is likely recalculating and adjusting - dealing with the many drastic changes I've thrown its way.

I know this all takes time and I know that from the outside looking in, it will look like a dramatic transformation.  In the grand scheme of things, the next year is going to FLY right on by like they all do.  Before I know it, I'll be able to report my own success story and huge amounts of weight lost just like all the inspirational stories I see on "Transformation Tuesday."  Logically I know all of this and more but somehow that doesn't make seeing the SAME number on the scale for the 5th day in a row feel any easier or less painful.

Plus that old, familiar yet very unwelcome "friend," Doubt creeps back in and makes me wonder if I'm doing something wrong.  I've introduced more than a few new foods throughout the past week since I switched over to the soft foods eating plan.  I'm getting a lot more of my protein through food now and not as much through liquid.  I just hope I don't make a huge mistake.  More importantly, I hope that if I do--no, when I do, I'll be able to figure it out and correct it before a serious problem occurs.  I've heard enough stories to know that things can and do go wrong.  I'm not exactly sure where Jason hit his roadblock or exactly what happened to cause him to derail but I know from watching him that it can happen.

I also know though, that success is possible and within my reach.  I have to be patient and give my body time to adjust.  I have to keep working on my exercise plan and on getting enough fluid and protein in my rapidly adjusting body.  I have to keep working on creating meals that work for our family, that everyone can eat but that are still healthy choices for me.

 ONE...DAY...AT...A...TIME!    

BBQ Bound (again)

This time on soft foods.  Better but still not great.  Not ready for all those good smells.  Want to look for some crab cakes to cook for myself.  Think I'll bring hummus and veggies.

Updated after the party to say that things went pretty well.  Here's the post I wrote on the Bariatric Eating 101 FB group:

Couple of small NSVs today. Family summer birthday party this afternoon, the first where I didn't indulge in my own birthday cake.  "No food is as important as I am" kept echoing in my head.  Honestly I didn't even feel deprived or left out.  I just felt thankful for my life and that I'm here, becoming a healthier version of myself so that I can hopefully celebrate  many more birthdays in the future.  Oh and I was able to wear a shirt that, three weeks ago, was way too tight on me.  Bonus points! — feeling good.

Food-wise I did OK too.  The hummus was delicious and I tried some of the slow cooker pulled pork Dad made.  It was delicious and I felt satisfied.  

Written Off

OK, my feelings are hurt.  I can't decide if it's dumb or not but I honestly thought my PCP would want to see me for a follow-up after surgery. I called to see if I had an appointment and they said they would check with the doctor and get back to me.  They didn't even bother to call, I just got a two liner response in my patient portal:   

Hi Melanie,  your doctor doesn't need to see you for a follow-up after surgery.  We wish you all the best.  

Ouch.  How generic and unauthentic.  What did they do, go to formletters.com to find that gem?!  In this post I wrote about how much I love my doctor and how important it is to have a good PCP who you trust and feel comfortable with.  I truly felt like I had that with Dr. K. but now I just feel like I've been written off, dropped like a hot potato.  I mean I know she's busy and probably doesn't need more on her caseload but damn.  I had major, life-changing surgery!  She saw me through to that, from being at my very worst during my illness to finally finding my health again.  Through making this momentous decision and then doing what it took to actually be able to have the surgery.  It was a big ordeal with a lot to do!  I'm just frustrated that she doesn't even want to see me one more time to see how I'm doing or anything.  I guess I feel really dejected and cast away.  Logically I know I'm just another number on her patient spreadsheet but I had hoped for a little more attention to detail and compassion from the doctor I've come to really like and respect.  

Owning My Own Story

Any time big events occur in life--whether they be marriage, birth, relocation, death, or (as in my case,) a health crisis, things change pretty drastically.  The transformation process can be quite scary at times.  Many times you have some preparation for what lies ahead but if you have a sudden health crisis, it's like someone comes along one day and rips the rug out from where you're standing.  Suddenly you're left, floating in a vast sea of unknowns trying to piece together your new existence.  Many times you are also trying to cling to and put back together what once was.  In my case, that sure knowledge that "I'm a healthy person."  The lie I lived by, what I constantly told myself was, "I might be overweight but overall I'm healthy."  It took the BIG monster of meningitis and truly being knocked off my feet for several months for me to awaken to my own new, raw truth.

For me to accept that this is my story.  All of it; the good, the bad, the mundane, the exciting, the terrifying, the overwhelming, the knowing of my own lived truth.  I first had to completely and utterly fall apart.  It's pretty overwhelming even putting that in writing.  I'm still stuck somewhere between the depression and acceptance stages of the grieving process when it comes to what once was.

And I've chosen to add even more change and uncertainty into the mix by having weight loss surgery.  I've knowingly opened myself up to another year of inevitable ups and downs and uncharted territory.  I suppose the conclusion I'm coming to with all of this is that I have to own it all.  Every part of my story is also, at least in a small way, a part of me.  At the end of the day, change is the one thing that stays the same in this world - it's our one constant.  And yet, as the famous Simon and Garfunkle song, "The Boxer" says, "Even after changes we are more or less the same..."

Anyway, for what it's worth - for better or worse - I'm here.  This is me, owning my own story and embracing my changes as much as I know how.  I am my own work in progress.

Back in Bed

Tonight I'm finally back in our bed for the first time in 12 days.  I have missed this bed!  I don't know whether I'll make it all night or not but I hope so.  Usually I'm a side sleeper but I'm still a bit too tender to stay on my side for long.  Sleeping on my back is ok but it's not comfortable for the long haul.

We'll see what the night holds.  For now it's really lovely to be in bed with my whole family right here with me.  I've missed our shared space a lot!

These are Mine

Tonight we went down to visit my sister and BIL in Tecumseh.  They recently welcomed a brand new, newborn foster baby into their brood, growing their family to 6.  Baby L. is the tiniest little thing at only 5 lbs but she is extremely sweet and precious.  She slept, nestled in various sets of arms, throughout our six+ hour visit today.  No matter the circumstances, there is always something so wonderful and innocent about newborn babies.  They make you get out of your own self a bit and remember what really matters in this world.

I was a little worried about the trip today because I heard form Mom and Dad that my sister would be serving chicken nachos.  YUM - definitely a former food for which I would have gone ALL IN!  I packed myself some of my creamy potato soup that I really like, hoping it would be enough.  I am in the thick of retraining my brain right now that when I can't have food that I previously loved, I am NOT being deprived.  Instead, I am learning how to be a healthier person who is more in tune with her body's needs. Who will ultimately be happier.  I am learning how to eat to live, rather than knowing how to live to eat.  Chicken nachos will never be on my menu again.  I can have all the toppings and make myself a delicious chicken bowl but nacho chips / tortillas / taco shells / whatever are a BIG NO for me, from now on.  Forever.  They were not good to me in the past so I have to let them go.  I have to find new, healthier foods to love.

Anyway - it dawned on me tonight that these are my moments.  I think anyone who has undergone Bariatric surgery has to make their own way through a world inundated with food again, post-surgery.  This isn't like alcoholism where you could just make a concerted effort to never be around alcohol or those who consume it.  No.  This is different.  Food is vital and it has been so intertwined into our culture that it has become a way--THE way of socializing with friends and family.  And one is faced with this situation, needing to eat, multiple times a day, not just once.

I've been reading the book, "Before and After: Living Well After Bariatric Surgery" and in it the author includes a year's worth of her journal entries after surgery.  It's interesting to read as there is so much that I can identify with, in terms of her fears and doubts, as well as what it was like to be a fat person living on the sidelines of your own life.  However, there is also a large chunk of the journal section to which I cannot relate at all.  She regales tale after tale of these exquisite dinners to which she is invited that first year.  She tells stories of having to peruse gourmet menus to find the one item she can have.  Of flying off to Vegas on a whim one weekend and being faced with the gourmet buffet there.  Those are not my struggles.  There is a very definite preppiness to her writing that I cannot relate to at all.  A sense of entitlement and level of entertaining and being entertained that is not going to be part of my life.  Ever.

No, my stories...my hurdles...will consist of trying to find my way amongst food I've enjoyed my whole life.  And amongst the same circles of people I've known either forever or for the last several years through work.  My struggles will center on family parties, BBQs, Thanksgivings, Christmases where I have to create a new normal for myself.  I will have to go to Perry potlucks and only eat one or two bites of the food offered.  I will have to make an effort to bring something to share that I can eat.  My struggles will consist of going to everyday restaurants and choosing healthier options, or of finding something - anything - I can consume on those fast food days when rushing through life from one activity to the next is inevitable.  There have been two such challenges for me so far since surgery.

The first was only a few days after my surgery, at Mom and Dad's.  They served macaroni and cheese with chicken sausages and peppers in it.  Talk about a major trigger food!  And although I was still feeling pretty sore and not at all hungry then, I hadn't expected the food to smell so good.  That's a meal I would have previously eaten gluttonously, happily consuming seconds if they were available.  Not only did it smell good but it looked good too.  Although it was surprisingly easy for me to abstain, I just hadn't expected that.  The second food-related hurdle was tonight.  As things turned out, the chicken nachos never happened.  One thing led to another and kids were hungry / too much was going on so we opted for a Wendy's run instead.  In many ways a good thing because the nachos would have been hard for me but also hard all by itself.  Again, the food smelled good.  NOT that I want to be nauseous because I definitely don't but I honestly didn't expect food to still be so appetizing after this surgery.  It's the old habits that die hard.  When we were ordering, how come I kept thinking of the chicken sandwiches I used to love so much?  And why did I almost go ahead and convince myself that I could jump the gun and try some Wendy's chili in purée form even though I still have three days on liquids before I can do that?  Then putting out food for all the kids, how tempting it was to just stick a fry into my mouth, or to grab one or two of their extra chicken nuggets. In the past those little things wouldn't have even been a blip on the radar for me.  Tonight I had to force them to be something that former fat girl would do, not something the new and healthier me would do.  It's hard.  All of it.

The bottom line is that this is hard.  This path I've chosen is not an easy one.  There are sacrifices and changes that are inevitable.  And as of now, I still haven't reaped many of the rewards so the old me could look at it as an unfair trade-off.  The old me could feel very sorry for herself right about now.  Still though, I chose this path and I'm going to see where it goes.  I sincerely hope I don't encounter (or create?) the same bumps that J. (or other re-gainers) have stumbled upon but I suppose if I do I'll have to deal with them as they come. I definitely think that I'm in this with my eyes wide open and that I'm going to do my best and continue to give it my all.  ONE DAY AT A TIME.  What else is there to do?

Things I've Noticed, Part 1

25 lbs down so far, since surgery weight. 

Here are the main things I've noticed:

• My typography has changed.  Shirts are longer and generally fit better than they did.  My belly still feels huge and swollen but it's better. 
• My sense of smell is greatly heightened.  Not totally in a bad way but everything smells so much stronger.
• My energy patterns are changing, maybe increasing.  While I haven't been super active yet, I don't feel as lethargic either.  
• The stairs at KHK are easier than they have been in a while. 
• Hungry isn't the right word but I feel this weird sense of vast emptiness from time-to-time.  Like a gaping cavern.  I always have been "super sensitive."  Maybe I am that in tune with what's happening in my body? 
• My emotional state has been fairly stable.  Yesterday I was an emotional mess, in a funk most of the day and in tears more than once.  That's the first really off day I've had since surgery though.  
• I'm bored.  Vanilla and "chicken" flavors only get you so far before they are just blah.  Change of textures helps some but ultimately I just need real food back in my life.  
• I miss chewing.  I actually can't stand jello but one of my favorite things is CHEWING on some jello.  Just today I permitted myself to have my 1st piece of sugar free gum since surgery and it is AWESOME! 
• I'm moving forward one day at a time and doing the best I can.  I'm thankful for the great supports I have in place and I'm excited for the future and what this journey will bring.  

The Doldrums

aka, Blahville! I am there today, big time! Trying to shake it off and be in a better mood but just not feeling it much at all. Here's what I posted on the Bariatric Eating 101 site:

Ugh, feeing kind of blah today. I'm only 9 days out from my sleeve surgery and all is going well but I'm bored! I was so excited to try soups when I was cleared for full liquids but man...I open one can and have to eat it for the next 4+ meals bc of the small volume I can consume. I have a large can of vanilla protein powder to make my way through and I'm sick of that too. Our budget isn't such that we can afford to just throw away food we've already purchased. I plan to try Inspire soon but can't do that quite yet, financially speaking. I've looked at recipes online but they all seem to be geared for more advanced food stages. My bari nutritionist gave me a nifty recipe book but all the smoothies that are for my stage seem to include bananas and other high carb fruits. What's up with that?? I'm trying to train my brain correctly from the beginning and don't really want to get into the habit of eating banana-packed smoothies. I guess this is all part of the process, I don't know. Sorry for the long post. I'm just kind of down in the dumps today and not really feeling like eating much of anything bc it all sounds the same.

There were some good replies there, including one recipe for idahoian potatoes made with chicken broth that I think I'll try. Hope this fog lifts soon, probably getting out and about would help.  

Maybe I'll go for a walk...

8 Days Post-Op

And 21 lbs down!  That number seems impossibly large but there it is.  I had my 1st follow-up at MBI today, it went great.  They gave me a recipe book which has quite a few interesting things to try. Some I can even try now in the form of shakes, which surprised me.

I took some photos today, not really expecting to see a huge difference but it's there.  I'm not really sharing these with the masses but do want them for my own record of this journey:

Overall I feel great.  My energy is good, I'm able to be up and about when needed and the food part is going as well as can be expected.  It was really nice to be cleared for full liquids today - I can't believe how excited I feel to try yogurt again! And how delicious my warm soup tasted at lunch today.  It's the little things, and (I think) just the comfort of knowing that I'm working my way up to being able to eat real foods again.  That is reassuring.  I don't know if the next week will be as dramatic as this last one has been but hopefully I will continue to see progress.  It's such an affirmation that I made the right choice for myself when I see those numbers on the scale getting smaller...

Now I need to try to see about starting to get myself moving a bit more.  Walking is going to be the name of the game for me for now.  I'm hoping to work up to being able to walk to the park and/or library with Charlie soon but I also don't want to push too much and then regret it.  It's a delicate balancing act!

BBQ Bound...

...while still on a clear liquid diet.  Hmmm.  Doesn't sound wholly appealing but at the same time I do want to see everyone.  

I think the key is to go there already full and bring my shake and lots of water along.  It's all one day at a time and I know that.  Luckily I don't feel hungry right now but nothing has changed for me in terms of food smelling or looking good.  I had sort of thought it would after surgery.  I'm kind of curious what it will be like when I actually start eating food again.  

I guess time will tell.  

It also may be time for some more variety.  The plain vanilla shake is getting pretty same old-same old.  

Vitamins

I'm still a newbie and learning things as I go but I wanted to do a quick post about vitamins.  

Right now I'm taking only a children's chewable each day but I have a vitamin kit from Nutrition Direct.  It gets mailed right to our house and this is what it includes:

• a once-a-week nasal b complex, 
• a chewable adult multi, 
• a chewable calcium/magnesium/d3 combo 
• a chewable iron with vitamin c. 
  

Not bad for a $25 copay through insurance! 

5 oz Cups

Today I was able to re-introduce protein into my diet.  It doesn't taste bad but it is thicker than I expected.  So far today I'm on point with my protein and liquid intake.  Trying to just sip, sip, sip like they all tell you.  

I took a sleeve of the small 5 oz cups from work.  They help me be able to visualize what I should be eating for each given "meal."  Not very much at all! 

I feel good overall - wearing Michael's belly binder is very helpful and comforting.  I still feel some gas from time to time.  Occasionally it's painful.  Other times it mimics hunger.  Pretty sure that's just head hunger but not positive.  I had thought I wasn't supposed to feel anything even resembling hunger - kind of annoyed that I am.  Hopefully the protein and/or release of pressure will help with that.  Drinking enough water will probably help too.  

All of this is just one day at a time.  FB has been a bombardment of delicious recipes throughout my newsfeed lately.  Including some really good looking dishes for 4th of July BBQs, etc.  it's made me really eager to eat real food again but I know that's going to be a while yet.  

Part of me is still scared this won't work for me.  What if I've gone through ALL of this and I fail?  That's why I'm following the rules to a T.  That simply cannot be my story! 

First Trip

Well just had my first trip out and about since surgery. We went down to KHK for Charlie's class this morning.  Everything went well, I made it to and from the parking lot without too much trouble and I even walked down the stairs on my own.  I was slow but I made it! Overall I'm feeling pretty good.  Tummy is still sore and there are some gas pains but nothing unexpected.  

The boys are currently in Sally Ann having some retail therapy.  I chose to wait in the car.  I'm ready to get home but also happy and happy they're happy.