A Good Doctor

I just left out of another follow-up appointment with my PCP.  She is excellent!  I am seriously thankful to have found her and that I still like her.  So often you like a doctor initially or for the first time or two and then the magic fades.  Not so with this one.  She was great when I was detrimentally ill and she's been great through this decision to have WLS.  Every time I see her she celebrates my "baby steps" and she tells me I look good.  She encourages me and at the last two appointments she's given me hugs at the end.  This seems so important to me.  I hope she doesn't go anywhere because I think I've found my doctor for life! 

My Power

My horoscope today seems fitting if I apply it to my WLS journey.  

Take control of your power today, Leo. Strip any excess baggage out of your life. Things are coming to a critical climax now. This isn't a time to back down. If anything, it's a time to push the limits even further. Look to the future with the same perspective you had as a child. Rid yourself of jaded thinking and a clouded mind.

To me this means it's full speed ahead and that I have every right to feel hopeful for my future regarding my health and weight loss.  I think I'll do exactly that! 

Three Cs

I came across this a while ago and saved it, then found it again today when I was purging photos from my phone.  I absolutely love this thought, it is my underlying process regarding weight loss and getting healthier.  

Eliminations

One thing I really hope to eliminate through weight loss is the necessity of this portable pill container.  I like it and all - it's cute and serves it's intended purpose well but it's not something I want to need.  

It's a reminder of the things that are wrong with me.  A reminder of how sick I still actually am.  

But I also had a reminder come across my Facebook feed the other day:

So on that note I'll sign off. 

Why Now? or The Reasons Behind My Decision to Have Surgery

I weigh 370lbs. Gulp. There, I said it. I wrote it down. I actually weigh 370lbs. That's the same size as a full grown, male gorilla.  Alarming.  They say size doesn't matter. The scale isn't your friend. People who want to justify abnormal body size would say my weight is just a number.  I've even said it myself before. Only I never thought I'd be this big.

The past six months have been pretty rough.  I suddenly became very ill on October 24, 2016.  Long story short, I ended up leaving work in an ambulance with "stroke-like symptoms."  I was kept in the observation wing overnight and given an MRI, along with other tests.  The next morning they sent me home with a diagnosis of "complex migraines."  Would that it could have been so simple.  The next four weeks were plagued with multiple doctor visits and two more hospital admissions.  
They kept running tests and giving me different medications to try. I had three spinal taps, two MRIs, multiple EKGs, among other things. I was having "episodes" where my hands, arms and feet would get tingly.  A couple of times the fear of stroke came back because I slurred my words or couldn't think of what I was trying to say. I was having dizzy spells and issues with balance.  The pain in my head and neck were indescribable.  I couldn't keep any food down and was throwing up multiple times a day. I lost 30lbs in about 3 weeks - not the sort of weight loss you hope for.  I really wasn't myself at all.  MCL says I was taking multiple baths a day, sometimes staying in the tub for hours at a time.  When it got really bad I was argumentative and was even making up nonsense words like "umi jumi."  Finally MCL didn't really know what to do with me anymore so he drove me over to my parent's house.  It was Election Day and I wanted so badly to go vote that I tried to get out of the car while it was still moving.  C. was in the back seat, seeing all of this.  We ended up moving in with Mom and Dad and staying for the next four months, to the day.  That is not something either of us could have anticipated but then again, neither was the diagnosis of "atypical viral meningitis" that came about four weeks after the ordeal began.  

Meningitis.  Who would've thunk it?  It's something you hear about and you have a vague awareness of, in the back of your mind but it isn't something you ever expect to have yourself.  It isn't something you really expect to go through.  Many days and nights were just a blur.  I couldn't sleep or eat much at all.  Surprisingly to me, Dad ended up being one of my most caring nurses.  He would sit by me day and night, rubbing my neck and back, bringing me water, painkillers, blankets, etc. He was incredibly sweet and thoughtful. Having Mom close by was such a comfort too.  She helped with C quite a bit through the toughest times.  Just having her to talk to and knowing she was right there was calming to me.  My sisters too - they were such a Godsend.  They came and sat with me all that first night in the hospital.  Even though I was in the observation ward and no one could stay overnight, they were there as late as they were allowed.  Even with their growing families and extremely busy lives, they held me close.  Their presence was a much needed salve to my emotional pain, even though I couldn't give that words at the time.  I honestly could never thank my family enough for the amazing job they did at catching me when I fell.  My Perry "family" too, was tremendously supportive and helpful.  So many people made us food, they sent cards and flowers, people brought us gifts.  It was a bright spot through a very dark time.  And MCL, my poor, sweet husband.  He was having to do it all with C and still doing scouts and karate too.  I'll never forget how much of a rock he was for me and for us.  He stayed with me during every hospital stay and he spoke up to medical personnel when he knew I couldn't do it for myself.  He cushioned the blow for our little boy by keeping things as close to "normal" as he possibly could with me hanging in the balance.  There were times when all of us thought I was going to die or that maybe I would never truly be myself again.  Scary isn't really a strong enough word to contain all of that.  Honestly I'm not sure there is a strong enough word. 

Looking back on those times now I can see how NOT ME I was.  So many things I love and cherish just fell to the wayside.  Music, dogs, friends, photography, journaling, Facebook, even C's school work wasn't on my mind at all.  I was MIA in my own life.  

Cut to about mid-December, I had slowly started to feel better and was able to eat again, etc.  still having to sleep A LOT and still having those strange episodes of stroke-like stuff.  All the tests and scans had continually showed no sign of stroke so this was all just thought to be residual from the meningitis.  I remember staying up late one night, reading some web site with story after story of people who never fully recovered from meningitis.  Some still had symptoms even years later.  On that site I read something about "pseudotumor cerebri" for the first time.  Apparently it's a condition in which your body produces too much spinal fluid and/or there is too much pressure within that fluid "for no known cause or reason."  I started looking into the symptoms of that and realized I had many of them.  By this time I was also having some pretty significant blurred vision, although I hadn't seen an eye specialist yet.  I wrote all this down in my "things to discuss with the neurologist" notes:

Do I have pseudotumor cerebri??? thyroid issues, obesity , PCOS, and now brain/eye issues, ringing in ears in time with heartbeat, tingling/numbness, the headaches balance issues, optic nerves swollen, premenopausal, under age 44, and other symptoms of meningitis.

All of that sounded so much like me.  I was already convinced I had the disease.  And the eyes.  Oh my poor eyes!  As I mentioned above, I started experiencing the blurred vision in early December.  I knew it was really bad one night when Dad asked me to pick a movie for the family to watch.  I wasn't able to see the screen to choose.  I went to see Dr. Kurajian and she referred me to Huron ophthalmology, the eye specialists.  I couldn't get an appointment for quite a while but by this time was pretty scared about my vision.  I really couldn't see well overall, even with my glasses  and I kept seeing black spots in my right eye.  When I closed my eyes, the room would spin and twirl with (actually quite beautiful) purple and blue patterns.  I wasn't really telling anyone how nervous I was but I kept calling the eye doctor and was finally able to get my appointment moved up to December 12 with Dr. Fuller.  That appointment took over three hours.  I'm pretty sure I will never forget when he leaned back in his chair after examining me and said,

Holy shit! If I didn't know your back story I'd send you to the ER right away.  Your eyes look really bad.  The good news is this will probably heal on its own, in time.  The bad news is, I really can't do much to help.

He explained that I had severe papillodema in both eyes, which is basically swollen and bleeding optic nerves.  He sent me down the hall to have some pictures done and I think they speak for themselves:  The normal eye is in the top, left corner.  My eyes are left to right underneath that.  Wow.  "Severe swelling and bleeding of the optic nerve due to papillodema."  Those are not words you ever want or expect to hear when it comes to your precious eyes.  I've worn glasses all my adult life so I'm used to blurry vision issues but this is in a class by itself. This had nothing to do with my glasses at all.

My vision is a mess.  It's pretty debilitating.  The world looks as if I'm trying to view it from underwater.  Circles are concave, so are squares. Lines are wavy.  This whole thing is so unexpected and honestly, quite frightening.  I mean, I'm a photographer for pete's sake! I need my eyes! I have little to no depth perception. Also how can I teach if I can't see? And what about reading?  Then there's Hawaii.  I NEED to see Hawaii.  What if I go blind before I'm able to get there?  And my family.  My handsome husband and our gorgeous son.  What if I stop being able to see them?  What if I forget what they really look like?  Oh my God, what if I go blind?!  All of these and so many more are the terrifying thoughts that have swirled around in my mind ever since this part of my illness occurred.  MY EYES!  Why my eyes?!


So yes, it has been a roller coaster.  And then when the neurologist and yet another spinal tap confirmed that I do, indeed, have elevated pressure in my spinal fluid - and that I likely produce too much of said fluid, meaning I do have pseudotumor cerebri...well damn.  It just seemed like the icing on the cake, although it would be a giant cake made out of poop.  No cake I'd ever want to eat! It was a blow.  Even though I had suspected it myself, to hear them say it was painful.  So now it's a waiting game. I'm on a diuretic called acetozolomide 2x a day.  It has "metabolic" side effects, but is generally well tolerated.  So far it's been ok.  It gives me dry mouth, bad breath and makes the edges of my feet feel tingly (?) but other than that I haven't noticed much.  I have to take it for the next year and more than likely have more spinal taps to find out if and how much it's helping.  I'll follow up with the neurologist again in May.  I really can't explain it but in looking up my own information and in hearing her say, in an almost blasé manner,

Weight loss will help with all of this.

Somehow I just knew.  Something small, deep inside me shifted and I just knew.  Weight loss surgery.  At that same appointment I asked her what she thought of it.  She said she thinks it can be a very good solution for some patients but to keep in mind that her perspective comes from seeing the patients who end up having complications.  Vitamin deficiencies and other types of issues.  The next time I saw Dr. Kurajian I asked her about it.  She said she would support me and wrote me the referral for a consultation.  I had already done a lot of homework and knowledge seeking about it but I dug back in.  I reached out to my friend A. from work, an online "blogger buddy" friend named Dave and my mom's friends, Dawn and Kim...all of whom said, in slightly different ways, that they would do it again, no questions asked.

My mind was basically already made up but I went to an informational seminar at MBI anyway.  It was informative and helpful.  I liked the facility a lot.  I left there feeling fairly convinced it was the right location for me.  My overall feelings were FAR better than the vibes I'd gotten when I visited a local clinic in Ypsi all those years ago.  Overall MBI appears to have a better facility and more streamlined process.  Still in the back of my mind though - I was aware that J. also went through them and had not been as successful with his surgery as I know he wanted to be.


It's important for me to go into this with the right mentality.  People can and do fail or not do as well as they hope to do with weight loss surgery.  People also can and do succeed and do much better than they hope to do too.  Dr. Zeni, who I'm pretty sure will be my surgeon, says you can influence your percentage of weight loss by up to 20% just by diet and how much you exercise.  So...I filled out the packet, signed up for a consultation, called for insurance approval and this whole thing is feeling more and more real by the day.

My surgery date is now officially set for Wednesday, June 28.

I've got my scope on June 1 and I already had the ultrasound of my gall bladder.  Today I need to schedule my psych evaluation and the other "do one month before" tasks.

I had an impromptu dinner with my good friend, P. the other night and found out she had the surgery back in January.  It was good to talk to her and to know someone in my own, real circle of close friends who has walked this road.  She looks really good.  She's lost 40lbs since January and 80lbs in the last year.   I have much more to lose than she did even at her heaviest but still.  It's nice to have a trusted friend I can turn to with questions or for support.  One day at a time, to a new, healthier version of me and a new, healthier lifestyle for all of us.